“Navigating the independence and autonomy that comes with being away at school can be difficult,” says Jeffrey Ng, Psy.D., director of counseling and psychological services (CPS) at Fordham. “There’s a whole set of stressors students might experience, such as homesickness, academic pressure, financial demands, and anxiety related to developing new relationships and fitting in.”

Simply put, being a college student today isn’t easy—and there are statistics to back it up: A 2018 American College Health Association study revealed that more than 87% of college students surveyed felt overwhelmed by all they have to do. And more than 40% reported that they were so stressed, it was difficult to function.

“Increasingly, more students arriving on campus have a tendency toward perfectionism,” Ng says. “We have to deconstruct that. It is part of the human experience to err and be fallible. The idea of letting go of perfectionism is really important.”

In addition, Ng adds, overly involved parenting and the pervasiveness of social media and technology are contributing to the rise in anxiety and depression on college campuses nationwide.

So what can parents do to help their children make a smooth, healthy transition and thrive in college?

Talk about what to expect.

Fordham’s orientation programs are designed to help students (and parents) as they make the adjustment to college and a more independent life. But you can also help your student imagine ways they might cope with some of the typical stresses of their first year by talking to them even before they get on campus, Father Marcotte says. These might be practical chats about doing their own laundry or keeping their room or suite clean, or deeper conversations about emotional vulnerabilities like feeling lonely or being disappointed about a test grade.

“We want them to feel that they are the agent of this process and that they are ready to face what’s going to come down the road,” he says. Discuss the fact that it’s normal to feel vulnerable at different times in life and that it’s healthy to seek out support, Ng adds. “Parents can help students identify what resources are available and how to access them if they should ever need help working through an issue.”

Encourage your student to get involved.

One of the most common challenges first-year students face is finding new peer groups and making friends. They also might get so wrapped up in academics that they forget the importance of human connection, play, and downtime.

“Studies show that students who become engaged on campus are usually more successful than those who don’t,” Ng says. So whether your child is into sports, music, journalism, or something else, encourage them to seek out clubs and activities where they can do what they enjoy while building a new social network. An easy way to do this is at the club fairs at the beginning of each semester, so remind them to attend.

Advise them to put social media in its place.

The overuse of technology and social media has been linked to mental health issues, Ng says. It interferes with essential human relationships and can foster low self-esteem by exposing young people to curated versions of other people’s lives.

“They are constantly comparing themselves,” Ng says. “We encourage our students to be more intentional, thoughtful, and discerning about how they perceive and relate to social media,” he adds, something parents should cultivate, too.

Remind them to be kind to themselves.

When students encounter the pitfalls and unexpected obstacles everyone experiences in adulthood, help them adopt a “growth mindset,” Father Marcotte says.

“The best way to build resilience is to see everything from a growth perspective. Even failures, disappointments, and losses hold within them important lessons that teach us how to go forward in a better way,” he adds. Encourage your student to focus on what they can learn from difficult experiences. Practicing generosity and meditation, Father Marcotte says, are other ways to build inner strength and “enlarge the soul.”

Finally, Ng emphasizes the importance of self-compassion and self-care, advising students to remember the basics: exercise, nutrition, and sleep. Fordham’s on-campus fitness centers and registered dietitians can help them get what they need.

Let go and trust them.

By the time your student arrives at college, they already have a moral compass that you have helped build over the years. “We have to trust that,” Ng says. “I know it’s hard to do, but it’s part of letting go.”

Father Marcotte agrees. “Parents need to see that their work is to help their children into ‘interdependence,’ where they remain connected, but the child has the ability to act on his or her own and become a full adult. This is the season for that to begin.”

—Claire Curry

Fordham’s deans of students are always available to talk to parents. If you need advice or would like to schedule a private meeting about any concerns, please reach out to them.

For more information about on-campus resources for students, check out the Quick Links for Parents section of the Fordham website.

FORDHAM magazine spoke with family therapist Stephen J. Oreski, DSW, LCSW, GSS ’08, about what we can do to enjoy the holidays with loved ones while keeping our own stress levels in check.

It often seems that our expectations keep us from enjoying the true gifts of the season. What can we do to manage expectations, both for kids and adults?

“We have this picture in our minds about what Christmas should be and when we put our own picture next to it, it doesn’t measure up. And I think it’s the same for kids. We’ve got to work with our kids to help them understand that,” Oreski said. “And that it’s about the giving, not the receiving. It’s nice to get gifts, but what are you going to give to someone who maybe doesn’t have as much?”

He recalled going to the post office with his mother to send a Toys for Tots gift, after taking money out of his own jar to help pay for the present. “That always stuck with me,” he said.

For gift-frenzied parents, Oreski said it’s important to remember that “it’s not a win to give kids everything they want, but it’s a win to have them understand the message of the season.”

“It’s the sharing of ourselves that’s going to make the difference. Writing a card about your feelings for someone will stay with them much longer than the gloves or the scarf.”

How about time management—do we tend to overextend ourselves? How can we be better about that?

“Again, it’s about not putting so much pressure on yourself and doing what you’re able to do,” he said. “It’s the special moments and the time you connect with the people that you love that is the real gift at Christmas.”

Oreski said he treasures the time he spent as a boy with his father, who took him out to look at Christmas lights every Christmas Eve while his mother wrapped the gifts. “It’s not about doing all those things that you’re checking off a list. If you think back to what you remember, it’s probably not all those things.”

Many people will be hosting or attending family gatherings over the holidays, and as we all know, all families have their conflicts. What can we do to keep the peace and bypass the drama?

“Certainly we can’t control all these situations. I think you do the best that you can and realize everyone’s an adult” and responsible for their own actions. “Once you realize that, you can take a step back,” he said. “And limit the alcohol.” Drama, he said, “tends to happen when people loosen up.”

This time of year can be difficult emotionally, especially for those going through a tough time. What can we do to battle the holiday blues?

“A lot of times people feel like, things are not perfect, this is not the Christmas I wanted, nothing is right,” Oreski said. “For me, the end of the year and Christmas are kind of about new beginnings. There’s always hope for the new year.”

Practically speaking, he said, “Try to maintain your schedule. If you exercise, make sure to maintain that. Try not to eat too much sugar. Also, watch the alcohol because it’s a depressant.”

Above all, he said, “Be kind to yourself.”

Stephen J. Oreski, DSW, LCSW, is a psychotherapist specializing in individual, couples, and family therapy. He maintains a busy private practice in Paramus, New Jersey. He is also the director of clinical services at Healing Space, a sexual violence resource center in Bergen County. In spring 2016 he’ll be teaching a CEU course called Sexual Violence Across the Lifespan at Fordham’s Graduate School of Social Service.