Earlier this fall, Lisa Cataldo, PhD, an assistant professor of pastoral counseling in the Graduate School of Religion and Religious Education, ran a workshop for a group of interfaith clergy in Newtown, Connecticut in anticipation of the third anniversary.

“In any community that suffers a massive event like what happened in Newtown, faith groups are often the first place that people turn for consolation and connection,” said Cataldo, who is a practicing psychotherapist.

“The workshop was about dealing with the aftermath of a communal trauma over the long term, because when anniversaries come around, all sorts of memories and emotions get reawakened.”

Three years later, Newtown is working toward healing while also dealing with continual reminders of the trauma whenever a new tragedy occurs, such as the shootings in San Bernardino and Colorado Springs.

But the families of Newtown—as well as the victims of the latest wave of mass violence—are not the only ones whose grief is magnified at this time of year, Cataldo said. For many of us, the holiday season brings up poignant reminders of people and places we’re missing.

“People think they’re supposed to be happy during the holidays. This is supposed to be a time of sharing with your family, of positive relationships, of celebration and joy,” Cataldo said. “Many people feel alienated, because they’re not in that space, and that idealized image of the holidays only makes them feel the lack of those things more acutely.”

Even if one gets beyond the “shoulds” attached to the idealized holiday season, there still remains the stark reality that someone or something has been lost.

“This is true for people who are in the midst of active mourning, but also for anyone who has experienced loss,” Cataldo said. “On holidays, the absence of the people we’ve lost is louder.”

Coping With Grief During the Holidays

The holiday season presents a challenge for many people, Cataldo said, but not everyone is open about his or her suffering. One reason for this is that our society tends to overvalue strength and resiliency, leaving little, if any, any room for vulnerability.

The key to coping with holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, and other difficult days is to make room for the grief, rather than shutting it out.

“We put pressure on ourselves to be strong when what we really need is to be more compassionate toward ourselves—to say that I need more time, that I’m not okay yet,” Cataldo said.

“Many people fear, ‘What if I can’t handle the holidays?’ The thing is, you don’t have to. It’s perfectly okay to say that you need to take this year off, that you can’t engage in these types of celebrations right now.”

For some people, she said, it can be helpful to deliberately include the loss into holiday rituals and customs. This might involve creating new traditions that honor lost loved ones, such as going to a certain religious service or writing a letter to them.

“It’s important to support people in moving through this time in the way that is best for them,” she said.

A New Normal

Holidays also serve as cues to reflect on the previous year. For those who have experienced hardship and heartbreak, the resounding question at these milestones is, “When am I finally going to be okay? When will I feel normal again?”

The reality is that there might not be a return to normal, Cataldo said.

“Any kind of significant loss creates a new normal,” she said. “Things won’t go back to the way they were before the loss, because life has changed.

“But it is absolutely possible to feel okay again. The memories won’t always be a source of pain—they might one day be a source of comfort and connection. Life won’t look the same, but it can still be wonderful.”

As Joseph M. McShane, S.J., president of Fordham, bid farewell to students leaving for the 2012 holiday break, he said that we would normally celebrate this time of year with great joy, “but not this year.”

The event galvanized a nationwide debate on guns, as gun control advocates seized the moment to reframe the conversation and gun advocates reasserted their right to bear arms. National attention on the issue waned as the year’s news cycle played out and a congressional law that would have expanded background checks was defeated in the spring.

In light of the tragedy, vigorous communities of both pro- and anti-gun advocates have sprung up online in whatSaul Cornell, Ph.D., the Paul and Diane Guenther Chair in American History and leading expert on the Second Amendment, calls “a new sphere of cyberspace where they can continue to advocate.”

On Jan. 21, Fordham will get involved in the conversation when University departments and offices sponsor a conference, “The Future of Commonsense Gun Regulation: Where do We Go From Here?”

Cornell will moderate the session of panelists who include:

• Robert Spitzer, Ph.D., distinguished distinguished service professor and chair of political science at SUNY Cortland, a leading authority on the politics of gun control, the presidency, and Congress.

• Kristin A. Goss, Ph.D., associate professor of public policy and political science at Duke University, an expert on the gun control movement, woman’s political activism, and philanthropy.

This session will take stock of the current situation and offer some insight into the future of the gun debate in America. The event will be live tweeted from @fordhamnotes using the hashtag #gunsense.

“It’s been about a year and legislation is stalled at the federal level. It’s all too predictable at the state level, where states with high gun controls got tighter restrictions, but states with high gun controls got more lax,” said Cornell. “The problem is that in a nation where there’s not a unified gun market, what is politically feasible? What are the options, and what need to be done?”

The event is sponsored by the Department of History, Office of the Provost, Office of the Dean of Faculty of Arts & Sciences, and Dean of Fordham College Rose Hill.

For more information contact Kirsten Swinth, Ph.D. at [email protected].

— Tom Stoelker

Our hearts are broken today by the senseless killing of children and adults—we are not yet sure of how many—at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut. Words like horror and tragedy almost lose their meaning in the face of such loss. The pain and sorrow of the victims’ families is unimaginable, and must be nearly unendurable.

I know you all join with me in prayer for the souls of those who were killed, and for their loved ones, whose mourning is only beginning. Keep the grief-struck families in your hearts, and pray, too, for the healing of their community, and this nation, from this most grievous wound.

Sincerely,

Joseph M. McShane, S.J.